Understanding Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
(And Why You Keep Having the Same Fight)
Have you ever had the same argument over and over again — even when you both agree you don’t want to?
One partner wants to talk it through immediately.
The other shuts down or needs space.
One feels ignored.
The other feels overwhelmed.
It looks like a communication problem.
Often, it’s attachment.
What Is Attachment Theory?
In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth studied how children responded when separated from and reunited with their caregivers. What she discovered was simple but powerful: early experiences of comfort and responsiveness shape how we respond to closeness and distance.
Those early patterns don’t disappear in adulthood.
They show up in dating.
They show up in marriage.
They show up in friendships.
They even show up in how we handle conflict at work.
Today, attachment theory helps us understand why we react the way we do when relationships feel threatened.
The Four Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
Attachment isn’t a personality test. It’s a pattern you learned.
Secure Attachment
You likely grew up with a caregiver who was generally responsive and emotionally available — not perfect, but consistently safe.
You’re generally comfortable with closeness and independence. Conflict is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t destabilize you. You can stay engaged without panicking or shutting down.
Anxious Attachment
You may have experienced love that was present but inconsistent — sometimes attuned, sometimes distracted, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable.
You’re sensitive to distance. When connection feels uncertain, you may seek reassurance or validation, pursue conversation, or escalate in order to feel secure again.
Avoidant Attachment
You likely grew up in an environment where emotions were minimized, independence was emphasized, or vulnerability wasn’t consistently welcomed.
You value independence and self-reliance. Almost to a fault. When emotions intensify, you may withdraw, minimize, or shut down to regulate yourself.
Fearful (Disorganized) Attachment
You may have experienced closeness as both comforting and overwhelming ie. wanting connection, but not fully trusting it.
You want closeness, but it can also feel unsafe. You may move toward and away from connection in the same relationship.
Most people don’t fit neatly into one category. These are patterns, not identities.
The Most Common Couples Pattern: Pursue–Withdraw
In couples therapy, we often see the same cycle:
One partner feels disconnected and pushes for closeness.
The other feels pressured and pulls back.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.
Both feel misunderstood.
Both feel alone.
Neither partner is trying to cause harm.
Each is responding to attachment fears in the only way they know how.
This is why “just communicate better” rarely solves the problem.
If this sounds familiar, consider booking a couples consultation.
Addressing the pattern early prevents resentment from hardening.
Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change Attachment Patterns
Many couples can identify their attachment styles. They’ve read the articles. They’ve taken the quizzes and read the books.
And yet, when conflict happens, nothing changes.
Why?
Because attachment patterns are nervous system responses.
They activate automatically when you feel rejected, criticized, or emotionally unsafe.
Understanding the pattern is helpful.
Interrupting it requires practice, and often support.
How Attachment-Focused Couples Therapy Helps
Approaches popularized by clinicians like Sue Johnson (known for Emotion-Focused Therapy) view conflict not as a communication failure, but as a protest for connection.
In attachment-focused couples therapy, we help partners:
● Identify the interaction cycle they’re caught in
● Understand the vulnerability underneath defensiveness
● Slow down emotionally charged moments
● Respond differently when the pattern activates
● Rebuild safety and emotional trust
The goal isn’t to “win” arguments.
It’s to understand what the argument is protecting.
Ready to address the pattern — not just the argument?
Our clinicians specialize in attachment-focused couples therapy in Ontario.
Book a consultation to get started.
Attachment Theory Isn’t Just for Couples
Even if you’re not in a relationship, attachment patterns still matter.
They shape:
● Who you’re drawn to
● How you handle conflict
● Whether you avoid intimacy or cling to it
● How safe vulnerability feels
Individual therapy can help you understand how your attachment style developed — and how it’s influencing your current relationships.
Recommended Reading on Attachment
If you’d like to explore this topic further, I’d recommend:
● Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
● Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson (EFT lens, more for couples)
● The Attachment Effect by Peter Lovenheim
Books can provide insight. Therapy provides application.
Final Thought
Attachment styles aren’t personality flaws.
They’re protective strategies that once made sense.
The question isn’t whether you have an attachment pattern (as we all have one).
The question is whether it’s shaping your relationships in ways you want to keep repeating.
If you’re ready to shift the pattern, we’re here to help.